Dear Diary,

As I dwell in God’s presence.. I am forced to ask this question.. Do I really love this God or am I just treating him like an idol that I feel i need to bow down to because of how good he has been to me. I am really tempted to ask myself if I truly and really love God. Not because I pray every day or study his word everyday or go to church?
How do i know i love this God. How can i tell he is the center of my life. I am so confused and just as i am trying to figure all this out i wonder what i have to show for it.
Today is Sunday and just like we were told we have to go to church on Sunday and if you dont go to church people wonder if you are truly a Christian. I need to get my heart and my mind straight but I just dont know how. Do you know how?

Maybe my prayer should be that you should teach me how to love you and how to serve you with all my heart for I am willing to learn

Lord please teach me how to love you. How to serve you not by mere religion or by the need to go to church…
Lord i need you to make yourself real to me. I want to feel that vibration. I want more than my praying to you or speaking in tongues. I want you to reveal yourself to me in a way that only you can. I feel so empty right now and I need you to fill me up because I am so dry. I dont want to follow the crowd for I only want what you want for me. More than anything I want you to teach me the right way to live. I want you to teach me how to really be a living sacrifice… What does that even mean? I dont want to conform myself to the standards of this world and the rules they live by or the expectations they put on our shoulders to live in a particular way that is only pleasing to them. I know there is more to this than meets the eyes and I pray that you reveal to me your glory.
I dont want to be moved by my emotions or by what people think they see in me. It really isn’t about me nor them but its all about you. It always has being about you.

How can I love you with my whole heart
How can I lay down all my idols
How can I give my all to you
How can I serve you with my life.
How can I chase after righteousness and not Christianity for it is only but a word than means nothing to you than the intent in the meaning of the name

The truth is I doubt my love for you.
Your standards are so high Lord
Higher than anyone can imagine
It goes beyond rules and traditions
It goes beyond religion and speaking in tongues for your word says that even the devil speaks in tongues
So how can I tell the difference

How do I know I love you
My heart is bitter for no reason
And I wonder if I am doing everything right
This world is just so consumed with the physical attraction that it shows and I am guilty of that
The world is like a stage where people display what they have on the outside and we all applaud them with a standing ovation because we are impressed by what we see.
I want to learn how to love
I want to learn how to give
I want to learn how to be more like you
I want to go to the farthest part of the world and be all myself with just you and me
Away from the noise
Away from the chants
Away from pretence
Away from the many activities
Away from fitting into the crowd
Away from instagram and facebook
Away from so many useless calls and chats.
Away from whatsapp and bbm
To a place where I can be open to you
Where I can be at peace
Where I can be me
Naked and unashamed
Open to you like a book
A place where its just you and I
No third party involved
A place where I can show you my scars without being judged
A place where I could look at you and declare my undieing love for you
A place where I am free and not bound by the venoms that flow from the mouth of people who think they are better than everyone
A place where I can be just me
A place where I can sing and dance with you without people thinking I am weird
A place where there is no religion no rules no distinction
No sarcasm No gossip No pretence
A place filled with truth and love
The thought of you and I together is so priceless
Can you imagine the things we could do?
A place of love and grace
A place filled with laughter that never seems to end
A place where I can be a child again
A place where I could walk side by side with you
I am speechless
I cant even fathom it
It is way bigger than me

Why are you taking so long?

Do i need to take lessons or do you have a particular church in mind that I could go to really know you.
Not wrapped in a book written by someone else but to be wrapped by your ever lasting love

I didn’t go to church today and I am wondering if its okay by you.
I just dont feel intuned with you when I go to church
I cant express myself and I feel stagnant
I see lots of ladies on heels and heavy makeup dressed to impress
I see people sleep during sermon
I see pastors on suits and priests on their regalia.
I see how beautiful everyone is looking
I see how the program of the day unravels…
There are alot of activities going on
Everywhere is crowded to the brim
I see alot of things but…
But I couldnt see you
You were nowhere to be found and I wondered where you were all the time when I looked for you.
Where were you hidding.
Maybe I need to stop seeing and start believing.
I feel we are blinded by a covering
Lord when I think about it now I am scared.
What are you saying to us that we are not getting.
What are you whispering into our ears that we aren’t listening to.
What are you trying to show to us that we aren’t seeing.
What Lord  Just speak
I am really saddened by this silence.
But maybe in your silence you are saying a lot of things but our minds are not into it.
I want much more than this
I want much more than the degree
I want much more than dressing up to look good on the outside but broken on the inside
I want more than the degrees
More than the titles attached to my name
Pastor… Sister… Reverend… Evangelist… Deacon… Prophet… Apostle…

I know you are taking me on a journey
It wont be easy
There will be alot of doubts and confusion
A lot of questions
But its okay because its part of the journey…

I want more than want I have..

Take away the church
Take away the tongues that seem to confuse us all
Take away the pastors and priests
Take away the programs
Take it all away and give me YOU.

Call me crazy
Call me insane
Call me retarded
Call me sick
Call me whatever
Call me selfish

I am just a person who wants more…


22 thoughts on “I DOUBT MY LOVE FOR GOD!

  1. My daily prayer, most times it just feels like you ain’t serving God the way you really want to. You keep seeking for that living water that Jesus talked about in John 4:10. But we always know God answers prayers doesn’t he? 😊 happy Sunday

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! I adore the honesty in this piece! I could feel the hunger and thirst in your heart as I read the words. It’s so deep! A lot of distractions cloud our minds and hearts from hearing God or just being with him as it ought to. Even the church is no exception to the mass of distractions. But the Bible reminds us, blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled. Matt 5:6 That’s the assurance we hold on to. God bless you dear, ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “But maybe in your silence you are saying a lot of things but our mind isn’t into it” That part gave me a pause reminded me of that story about Elijah 1kings19:11-12…dear this is amazingly deep…I feel like you have described my walk with God, my struggle…I heard in a sermon that when we get to a point in life where we think we are satisfied with the amount of God we have, where we are like I have too much of God now, then there is a problem…God help us to continually thirst for more of Him…thanks for sharing dear xoxoxoxo


  4. I believe real worship is when we act out of pure love and kindness instead saying or doing what we’ve been taught to believe is “right”. Only your heart knows that. Let your heart guide you as a compass does. Quiet the mind and God will show you in your heart what he desires and does not. I feel the same. Church has become a fashion show that uses the bible for hate and to judge what is not understood. Church can leave thirsty souls tainted and even more wounded than before. That is not God. God is Love. God is in all and works through all. God loves all with a love so pure, it surpasses understanding. Keep seeking and you shall find!

    Liked by 3 people

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